Posted Monday, March 17th, 2003
March 20: Steak and a Blow Job Day
I'm scared to death to be writing a column on Steak and a Blow Job Day for a stylish women's website. You'll hate me, I know it. I'll be exhibit A in all your there-aren't-any-good-men-out-there articles. It's like those dreams where you get to work and realize you've forgotten to put your clothes on. Here I am, naked before you and talking about coming in your mouth while all the other authors get to write poignant, dignified pieces that make meaning of their life-experience.
Yet why I think you'll find me despicable for wanting a blow job probably says more about me than it does about you. I sometimes look at your beautiful, pristine lips and wonder, is it really possible? At moments like this, I avert my eyes and admonish myself for having such thoughts. You see, you scare me. I know, I know, you don't bite (especially not on S & BJ Day, right?). But let's face it: you're oblivious to me most of the time. If this website is any indication, you're pre-occupied with making meaning of your life experience while I'm just thinking about...well, you know. I've spent most of my life trying to get you to notice me. I might be wrong to deify you, but most of the time I might as well be trying to get the attention of the Almighty Himself.
I understand that you too, ache with unanswered longings and are pumped full of unfulfilled desires. I know that you are no strangers to self-doubt, inhibition, fears and insecurity. But you know that impossible standard that you feel you have to live up to? The one about being sweet and witty; tall, slim and elegant; effortlessly stylish, intelligent and fit? That’s how you seem to me. And with all that going for you, I don’t know why you would give me the time of day.
While I idealize you, you, evidently, idealize George Clooney. In an Esquire survey, 73% of you selected him from a list of men as the one who “comes closest to…your vision of the ideal man.” Hell, he's probably my ideal man, too. Rakish yet sensitive, sly yet sweet, sophisticated yet silly--he's got it all. I bet he doesn't need a special day to get a blow job. We wish we were all George Clooney; we really do. Instead, we're more like Eeyore, who, when he's greeted by his friends in the 100 acre wood, says, "Thanks for noticing." It's droopy and yet true. If you want to make a man happy on March 20, notice him first. Then the steak and blow job will just be the icing on the cake.
You see, S & BJ Day is one giant attempt by mankind to make up for the fact that you seem oblivious to us most of the time. Since it's too scary to put it on the line and tell you how much a little affection and doting would mean to us, we make a joke of it. That's what we do when we're nervous: we pretend it doesn't really matter. Howard Stern? The Man Show? They're cries for love hidden under I-couldn't-give-a-shit bravado.
Valentine's Day is your moment to cry for love. We'd like nothing more than to make you feel special and shower you with affection. It's just that we're often at a total loss about how to do it. How special can chocolates and flowers make you feel when it's the fall-back strategy of every guy with a credit card and ten minutes to spare? The bar is terribly high. The best Valentine's Day gift I ever gave was a bag full of colored glass hearts. They're about the size of marbles and I hid them everywhere--in her purse, her jacket pockets, her glove box, her briefcase, her medicine cabinet. She was happy for days. They've become the currency of our affection. I still slip them to her in times of warmth or need. They make her feel loved.
Give a guy a steak and a blow job, and I guarantee you he'll feel loved. We're pretty simple that way. Don't put a lot of pressure on yourself. A little marinade or a spice rub is always good (on the steak). It might be warm enough for the grill. Or just go out. We're not picky. Keep it low-key. We feel awkward when a big production is made over us.
As for the other part... Blow jobs vary in quality between great and earth-shattering. Great is plenty good enough for me. Don't worry too much about it. If you want a generic hint, I'd say that using your hand in addition to your mouth goes a long way (it also is the best way to get it over with faster if that's what you want). Also, we really don't want you to suffer. If gagging is a problem, we'll lie back on the bed and you can come at us from above. You can control the depth that way. If you don't want to swallow, don't worry. Like we're really keeping track of what happens afterwards. And if you don't want us to thrust or put our hand on your head, just tell us. It can be a little hard to stay still, but take heart--that's because you're doing it so well.
In the end, what we hope is that you like it. OK, we may feel a little silly asking if it was good for you, too--we know the pleasure is mostly one-sided. But I promise that there's little you couldn't get from a grateful man with a little coaxing. S & BJ Day should, like Valentine's Day, be a win-win situation. Don't let the names mislead you. Sure, one is named for the patron saint of lovers and the other for a slab of dead cow and a profane sex-act, but the same way you might really want to be fucked on Valentine's Day, we might really want to be loved on S & BJ Day. Maybe we're not so different after all.
Comments [post a comment]
Posted by Cleo Barkley on Tuesday, March 18th, 2003 at 5:32 PM
Expressing my delight at this essay is no easy task! August, you've written the best thing I've ever seen on salome...and it makes me want to walk, run, or skip to you wherever you are and show you the meaning of 'earth-shattering.' After a piece like this, you deserve to know. It's thrilling and amazing to read someone's honest appreciation for this delightful task (and yes, ladies, i honestly feel this way). I love hands on my head. I love to swallow--it's only right. I love your heartfelt thanks for this act more than anything. Along with being one of my favorite ways in the world to pass the time, it is my most favorite breakfast! Oh, August, I hope that girlfriend of yours knows what she's got. But I'm sure she does. Now I just have to find someone who can appreciate me as much as he can appreciate my love of the job.
Posted by Matt Buttrill [ firstname.lastname@example.org
] on Wednesday, March 19th, 2003 at 10:24 AM
hilarious and oh so true! three cheers for august and for whoever invented steak and a blowjob day! and why haven't I heard of such a thing before?! must be a conspiracy by all those uptight, non-bj-giving lame chicks to hush it up to keep us men down. or up. i would have been promoting this sacred occasion long ago, had I known. also, i hear that this is one of the most popular salome pieces ever. not just for the vocal like queen cleo, but for all the secret bj enjoyers too. that is a beautiful thing. it must be partly that so much truth rings in the essay. for instance, that a man wil be putty in your hands afterward or with the future promise of more blowjobs. and that we ain't so different, we crave physical expression of love toward us, rather than just enthusiastic awe of our heroic powers of penetration and gyration. men have a bad rap for being one-dimensional and predictable. well for heaven's sake! don't you think that's maybe because we're raised to not supposed to be sensitive to or enjoy the subtlties of physical pleasure, lest we be girly. well, why do the ladies have the lock-down on the aesthetic enjoyment of pleasure? (other than my conspiracy theory) if there were more simple enjoyment of pleasures on both sides (and what is more simply pleasurable than a bj or its counterpart?) we'd all be a lot happier and relaxed, and perhaps even relate to each other better. nice work August! mor sex on Salome!!
Posted by Nicholas Taylor on Wednesday, March 19th, 2003 at 1:53 PM
In France, a blow job ("le pipe") is considered a much more intimate act than vaginal intercourse. New couples usually won't engage in oral sex until they have slept together several times.
Posted by ani difranco on Sunday, March 23rd, 2003 at 3:21 PM
Posted by Amanda French [ email@example.com.
] on Saturday, April 5th, 2003 at 2:13 PM
Too many Men and Women stereotypes. But I seem to remember quite liking to give blow jobs.
Posted by Jean Lorber [ firstname.lastname@example.org
] on Tuesday, April 15th, 2003 at 11:20 PM
If "Steak and Blowjob Day" isn't practical, I'd say "Hamburger and Hand Job Day" is a close second.