Posted Monday, November 15th, 2004
A Note to Everyone I Know
Just a quick note to let you know that I'm switching jobs, and my email address has changed. Instead of firstname.lastname@example.org, the new address is email@example.com. Please make a note of the change to make sure I get all of your messages.
Some specific notes:
If you are my friend and have a nine to five desk job, please try to respond to my messages within 5 minutes. If you do not, I will assume you hate me and will pour over the last message I sent, scanning it over and over for the offending detail. I will picture you, in your gray-walled cubicle across town, rolling your eyes and reading my message to your coworkers in a mocking tone. I will assume that every one of my other friends is in on this, and I will begin frantically emailing them breezy messages to allay my fears. Please save me this trouble.
If you are an ex-boyfriend/ex-lover/one-night-stand, I hope that you will think you are on this list in error, that you are just a relic in my address book. Don’t think that I sometimes wistfully think about our times together. And DO NOT think I emailed you with the secret hope that you’ve never stopped thinking about me and will me prompted by this message to finally get back in touch. But if that is the case, you now have the right address.
If you are the man I had sex with last night, please do get in touch. If I do not hear from you by 11 a.m., I will be paralyzed with self-loathing and self-doubt. I will hit the “check mail” button repeatedly, and while the little chime announces that I STILL have no mail, I will analyze every detail of our evening. I will dissect every move I made in bed and I will wonder if you think I smell or perhaps that I’m a tramp. If you don’t get in touch with me by lunchtime, I won’t be able to eat a thing. And if I return from lunch and still no message, I’ll be forced to call my friend Marina who will give me the following advice: “What you need to do is call him up and say, ‘hey, aren’t you the guy I fucked last night?’” And then it will devolve from there.
If you are my father, take a moment to write down the address, even though I know you will never use it. You may, once a year, have your secretary write me a message, but I’ll know it’s her by the perfect grammar and her use of the closing “love, Dad.” Please, if you ask her to do this, have her add in a few common English-language errors and be sure to sign just “dad” with a period after it. For extra verisimilitude, have her include a few lines criticizing my lifestyle, my lack of career and the city in which I’ve chosen to live my life.
And finally, if you are my Mom, please stop sending me all those “save the world” forwards. They are all hoaxes.
Thanks and be in touch soon,
Comments [post a comment]
Posted by Siggy osk on Monday, November 15th, 2004 at 10:08 PM
A brave piece written in a manner that speaks directly to your innermost fears and fragile depth of self awareness with a sense of humor. well done!
Posted by Ellen Meister [ firstname.lastname@example.org
] on Tuesday, November 16th, 2004 at 5:10 PM
Ha! Perfect. You nailed this down to every excruciating detail. Great work.
Posted by Katrina Denza on Tuesday, November 16th, 2004 at 7:45 PM
Sharp, witty piece, Elissa.
Posted by Kathy Fish on Tuesday, November 16th, 2004 at 8:47 PM
Sharply written, Elissa. Funny and sad. Nice work!
Posted by Katie Weekley on Wednesday, November 17th, 2004 at 11:25 AM
Great piece, Elissa. Very accurate!
Posted by h. o. on Friday, December 3rd, 2004 at 10:34 PM
Neither minimalist nor maximalist, but just right. Keep it up.
Posted by Steven Rabinowitz on Saturday, December 25th, 2004 at 1:40 PM
What a great piece of writing. I was thinking of you today, wondering if you've had any success with any of your pieces, so I plugged your name into Google to see what I'd find. Who knew I'd come across this gem? I loved it. There's nothing to criticize. It's flawless and inspiring, reminding me that I've got to get back to the keyboard myself.
All the best,