Posted Monday, October 11th, 2004
Ninety Second Response
Whew. Need some water. Got a little fired up there. Not a problem – Cheney says emotion is good, long as it's my turn to talk. Mmm, this water's good. Good, clean water. I love water. Need to remember that, lemme write that down. 'I love water.' Gonna use that.
. . . but what this President wants you to believe is that what we need – in fact, all we need – is more time in Iraq, that his plan is working. Ladies and gentlemen, we all know it is not working.
There he goes with the 'ladies and gentlemen.'. I tell you, one thing you'll never hear me say is 'ladies and gentlemen.' I'm not the emcee here, folks – I'm the President! And I know how to talk to folks, unlike this crazy . . . this up-speaking kind of, you know, with all this butler talk and so on. Hey there sweetheart, I see you, yes I do. Does Laura look good tonight or what? Whew. I see you, hey there. Look at me sweetie. It's okay, I'm supposed to smile.
And as the current administration sits idly by, passing the time until their next tax cut, our soldiers are dying at a rate that is increasing – yes, increasing, month over month!
Got a point there. Not sure why that is. Better write that down. 'Death rate rising.' Scratch that – not supposed to use 'death' – use 'casual-' Did I spell that right? Oh, hell, where's he at? Okay, green light. Thirty seconds.
Time and time again, ladies and gentlemen, this President has pulled the wool over the American people's eyes . . .
'This' President? Um, Senator? There's only one President up here, and that's me. You mean me!
A report came out today, a nonpartisan report, and it said our reason for going to war was wrong, that Saddam never had any WMD's. And what was this President's response? He said it didn't matter! He said that wasn't the reason at all!
What are they laughing at? Who's laughing? Can we get a team over there to find out who's laughing? Liberals, I tell you – always laughing. Like a bunch of freaking hyenas. Like the world is just one big Chucky Cheese or whatever. Hey – it's not! We are at war! How many times do I have to say that? I'll write it down AGAIN . . . I'm going to have to sharpen my pencil here, sheesh . . .
So in essence we're tangled up there – in Iraq, in a borderline civil war, ladies and gentlemen, with a tab of two hundred billion dollars and counting – because . . . well, because it was just the right thing to do, period.
Exactly! So he's not a complete idiot. Good man.
But seriously, ladies and gentlemen . . .
What is this, a comedy club? Stop laughing! This is a debate, folks. A debate. Look it up. Laura's not laughing. No sir, you bet not. Not even a smile. That's my girl. You're my war bride, sweetie, that's right. I love you. Can you hear me? I'm sending you a message right now – 'I love you.' She heard me. Look, she's smiling! Oh, wait – she's not supposed to smile. Is that right? I think that's right.
When I'm President . . .
Aw, I hate that. He shouldn't be allowed to say that. I hate to tell you, but you're not going to be President, guy! Not necessarily. That's why they call it an election – you might not win, see? I do like his voice, though – always liked his voice, reminds me of Grampa . . .
My plan – our plan, John Edwards and I . . .
Oh, that was stupid. Here I was comparing him to my Grampa and then he goes and brings up his little sidekick, little baby-man. Look, I know about babies – got two of 'em myself. But did I put them on the ticket? Of course not. That would be stupid. Where's he at, anyhow? Time to wrap it up, windy.
We need to regain our standing in the world, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh shit. Where is Laura? Where the hell is my wife? I turn away for a second to check the little blinkie and now she's gone! Oh Jesus. They took her. Holy – they got her. I knew this was going to happen. Okay, focus. Stay calm. There was a far-mer had a dog and Bin-go was his name-o. B – I –
We need to bring our allies to the table, and show them that we value their friendship . . .
Can I butt in? Cheney said don't butt in. Don't you think I should be allowed to, though, given the fact that my wife, the First Lady of the United States, has been KIDNAPPED BY TERRORISTS? Don't scowl, George. Lips out, chin up. Show teeth. And for Christ's sake don't look scared . . .
I'm worried, ladies and gentlemen, of course I am. I'm worried that the past four years can't be reversed quickly or easily. But I'm also hopeful, and I know that with your support . . .
Oh, gosh! There she is! Thank you, God. Of course – her purse, she had to get a tissue, gotcha. Whew. Well that's reason to smile. There – a nice big smile. I like to smile. Don't do it enough. Should, though. Feels good on the temples. Very nice. Okay, the blinkie's red. Where's the mike? Come on windy, wrap it up . . .
Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you tonight not just as a candidate for President, but as a citizen – a concerned citizen.
Well there's a lie. He's a Senator, folks! There's a difference between a 'citizen' and a 'Senator.' Look it up. People think he's so smart . . .
And so I ask for your vote this November with respect and humility, and with a deep love for our country.
The blinkie's blinking. Should I butt in? Hey, moderator – hey! Okay, don't butt in. Don't butt in. Don't butt in. Butt. Don't. Butt. Don't. But this is ridiculous. It's blinking! Hello? Is there any justice here?
. . . that's all, thank you.
Finally. All right then – where were we? Oh yes.
"Folks, we're at war. You know that, right? War. Let me tell you something just happened to me, while I was sitting there listening to my opponent. I was sitting, and just looking at that beautiful lady sitting up top there – yes, you know who she is – and then something crazy happened. Folks – all of a sudden she was gone . . . "
Comments [post a comment]
Posted by Jessica Sargent on Monday, October 11th, 2004 at 9:35 PM
What a wonderful and refreshing piece of politicial humor. I feel that you have successfully gone into the thought process of the person who runs our country - now that is reason enough to vote for Kerry. Thank you.
Posted by Sharon Hurlbut on Thursday, October 14th, 2004 at 5:03 PM
This is very funny, and frighteningly real. You've totally nailed the voice. Excellent work!